Frank Carson Quotes

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

It's funny because it's funny.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Laughable

The whole point of comedy, what's fun, is taking the stupid thought I had and working it into something that makes a bunch of people laugh.

Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike.

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I took my husband to the hospital yesterday to have 17 stitches out - that'll teach him to buy me a sewing kit for my birthday.

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

I've always thought something that makes you laugh, it makes you laugh because there's a little bit of truth to it.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.