MITCH HEDBERG

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.