STEVEN WRIGHT

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.