Steven Wright Quotes

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I don't know. I think it's funny! I think it's funny! I go, what? It's so absurd. I'm alone.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

I have a spaniel that defrocked a nun last week. He took hold of the cord. I had hold of the leash. It was like elephants holding tails. Imagine me undressing a nun, even second hand.

Put an egg in your shoe and beat it, make like a tree and leave, imitate an amoeba and split.

I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mobscene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

Ranger sent us to check on you," Hal said. "We just got here, and we heard shots." "Some moron ate my jelly doughnut," Lula said. "So I shot him.

Knock! knock! who's there? me! me who? that's right? what's right? meehoo! that's what I want to know! what's what you want to know? me who? yes, exactly! exactly what? yes, I have exactlywatt on a chain! exactly what on a chain? yes! yes what? no, exactlywatt! that's what I want to know! I told you-exactlywatt! exactly what? yes! yes what? yes it's with me. what's with you? exactlywatt-that's what with me. me who? yes! go away! knock knock...

The Fomorians skittered backward, away from me, looking justifiably confused. I mean, really, how many human women actually run to them? And I was a human woman covered in swamp yuck, with wild red hair sticking out in matted hunks and arms flailing like a demented Bride of Frankenstein. I'd run from me.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

The bowl landed, in glorious perfection, atop the head of Mrs Barnaclegoose, who was not the kind of woman to appreciate the finer points of being crowned by trifle.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."