HENNY YOUNGMAN

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.