Henny Youngman Quotes

I think the sexiest thing is a hat. It's very sexy!

One thing you can't miss in your suitcase is a hat.

I'm not wearing a golden sombrero.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.

You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.'

If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

A lot of people don't think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it's hilarious!

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

To do something funny, you have to have experienced it in real life and digested it in a way that amuses you.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

If you try to be funny, you're not being funny.

I'm not a hat person. I really don't like wearing things on my head.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

If I don't offend somebody, then I'm probably not funny.