Henny Youngman Quotes

I am in the prime of my senility.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

Do old people always live in the past? What yesterday was firm and true, may not be so today.

How old are you?” she asked. My answer was automatic and ingrained. “Seventeen.” “And how long have you been seventeen?” I tried not to smile at the patronizing tone. “A while,” I admitted. “Okay,” she said, abruptly enthusiastic. She smiled up at me.

Emily and I have now reached the time in life when not only do we lie about our ages, we forget what we've said they are.

You know, as you get older, the first thing you lose is memory. It seems to be happening with me.

Memory is the first casualty of middle age, if I remember correctly.

I have made many serious statements - I just can't remember any of them. I guess they mustn't have been very important.

Sometimes a witticism has no truth behind it.

There are three signs of senility. The first sign is that a man forgets his theorems. The second sign is that he forgets to zip up. The third sign is that he forgets to zip down.

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.

At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are.

The great disadvantage of getting older is to be obliged to relive the salient economic events of one's youth, with nothing learned and nothing forgotten.

Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

Remember the phrase - 'Act your age, not your shoe size?' That didn't apply to me, as they were the same until the age of 12 when my feet stopped growing.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

I've a grand memory for forgetting.

A caricature is putting the face of a joke on the body of a truth.

That's the privilege of old age: You don't have to remember.

I think repeating yourself is a sign of old age, telling the same joke again and again. Especially if they're jokes that don't make people laugh.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Does anyone remember laughter?

In the end, everything is a gag.

I have a two-story house and a bad memory, so I'm up and down those stairs all the time. That's my exercise.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.