Humphrey Bogart Quotes

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

Sometimes a witticism has no truth behind it.

There's a rumor going around that I'm Miss Goody-two-shoes from Australia. Well, that's a laugh. I'm really Miss Goody-two-shoes from England!

A witty saying proves nothing.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

A caricature is putting the face of a joke on the body of a truth.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I suppose I shouldn't go around admitting I speak untruths on the radio. When I say something untrue on the air, I mean for it to be transparently untrue. I assume people know when I'm just saying something for effect. Or to be funny.

When I say something untrue on the air, I mean for it to be transparently untrue. I assume people know when I'm just saying something for effect. Or to be funny.

I don't talk, I quote. I can't help it. It's better to be quotable than honest.

In the end, everything is a gag.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

The man who cannot laugh is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils, but his whole life is already a treason and a stratagem.

I'm really high... I mean the altitude of course.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Answer my question, Dresden,' Nicodemus growled. 'What is that?' 'A precaution against getting stuck in deep snow,' I said. 'He's training to be a Saint Bernard.' 'Excuse me?' Nicodemus said. I mimed covering one of Mouse's ears with my hand and stage-whispered, 'Don't tell him that they don't actually carry kegs of booze on their collars. Break his little heart.

I only mean forty per cent of what I say.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

It's a dangerous game that comedy plays. Sometimes it tells you the truth; sometimes it delays it.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done.” He winked at Butler. “Are you sure you’re at the library? I thought I heard water.” Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. “Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information.” “Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you’re wearing that smug smile of yours.

When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one.

Trying to be witty leads to lying, more or less.