Henny Youngman Quotes

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

The public be damned.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

Turn right up ahead," he directed. "It'll take us directly to my cottage." She did as he asked. "Does your cottage have a name?" "My Cottage." "I might have known," she muttered. He smirked. Quite a feat, in her opinion, since he looked sick as a dog. "I'm not kidding," he said. Sure enough, in another minute they pulled up in front of an elegant country house, complete with a small, unobtrusive sign in front reading, MY COTTAGE

I fart in your general direction.

A lot of people, when they talk to me, I can't wait for them to shut up. Like, shut up. you're a moron. I have nothing to say, you know?

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor. Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

Australians are decent people with the right instincts and they wish everybody well; but if all is not well, it is none of their business and they will not lose too much sleep over it. The shrug of the shoulders has become - only temporarily, I daresay - the national gesture of Australia.

You do not think much of me, do you, Cogburn?" "I don't think about you at all when your mouth is closed.

Rudeness is better than any argument; it totally eclipses intellect.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

Kemo Sabe, kiss my ass.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

Diss me and you'll never hear a reply for it

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?