DANIEL TOSH

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?