Daniel Tosh Quotes

When I die, I want it to say 'Short and Funny' on my tombstone.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

If we had a party every time someone died on 'The Following,' we'd never get anything done.

We treated all of the dead with dignity.

How many people have a family grave in the backyard? I'm sure I'll end up there, or I'll shrink my head and put it in a glass box in the living room. I'll get more tourists to Graceland that way.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I have my tombstone already. A tombstone company in the East gave it to me when I jumped Snake Canyon. My plot is in Montana.

I just wish that people will be kinder to me when I pass away.

My father died in France, and my sisters and I went over with my mum to bring back his body. I remember going to the funeral parlour in France and being given a laminated menu of coffins, and thinking, surely there is an ice cream at the back of here!

If anyone at my funeral has a long face, I'll never speak to him again.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.

When my mother passed away, we knew what she wanted on her tombstone, so I asked my father, so there wouldn't be any argument among us children, 'Daddy, what do you want on your tombstone?' He thought about that. He said, 'preacher.' So that's what's going to be on his tombstone. Preacher.

A funeral was a great form of entertainment. A wake was a great form of entertainment.

I expect my immortality will last about six seconds after my funeral.

The two biggest meals of your life you don't have to cook and you don't get to eat. The first you don't eat because no man eats - or cares what he eats - at his wedding. The second you don't eat because, well, no man eats at his funeral, either.

The loss of my father will always sting. But now, everything that I do is in honor of him and celebrates his life.

The day after Paul Newman was dead, he was twice as dead.

When I die bury me in smoke.

I often thought my gravestone would say, 'Here lies Gandalf. He came out,'

When I'm dead I don't want a funeral. I want people to remember me alive.

My friends should drink a dozen of Claret on my Tomb.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

Funerals are all abstract ceremony.