Henny Youngman Quotes

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

Once an actor told me he went to the Shakespeare School of Acting, and I said, 'I went to the Shakespeare of Acting, too' and he said, 'Oh really?' And I said, 'I went to Shakespeare Elementary School in Chicago.' He didn't take the joke well, he didn't laugh and didn't think it was funny - I thought it was funny. It's all the same to me.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy.

Comedy comes from confusion.

If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?

I don't know. I think it's funny! I think it's funny! I go, what? It's so absurd. I'm alone.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

I do things, and other people laugh at them. I rarely know what the joke is supposed to be or why they're laughing.

My mother thinks Mick Jagger is a foreign car.

It's funny because it's funny.

Laughable

Comedy isn't just timing; it's about rooting out the funny in the real. You just bend reality to the left a little.

The whole point of comedy, what's fun, is taking the stupid thought I had and working it into something that makes a bunch of people laugh.

The whole point of real comedy is that you can say something that is true, and by being funny, you can make it tolerable for people, and hopefully they'll laugh at you, too.

I love comedy that seems kind of a little bit absurd.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!

A human being having a full emotional conversation with a dog is funny, innately. It's one of those things where you get in a scene and you always go for what is the best joke, and a talking dog for some reason, whatever he says, is hilarious." (about his role wiht a talking dog in the forthcoming MEN IN BLACK sequel.