Michael Clarke Duncan Quotes

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in.

It's fun to do something funny and have the director laughing. It makes you feel good.

I used to go in for Disney auditions, and they'd tell me, 'You're cute and nice but just not funny.'

Nine out of 10 times these guys will hit it-they'll be on something incredibly funny, but one out of 10, two out of 10, they'll fall flat on their faces. That's what makes them great actors: they take those chances, they don't play it safe.

A joke is a way to say, 'I'm going to do something funny now. If I don't get a laugh at the end, I'm a failure.'

On 'Lab Rats,' I read the script probably three or four times before we ever even do a table read because I want to be completely prepared. And I want to know exactly which beats I have to hit and where I need to make something comical. Some lines need a little more than others do just to get the point across, to get the joke to be funny.

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I'm just an entertainer. All I want to be is funny. I never aspired to play Hamlet.

My mother thinks Mick Jagger is a foreign car.

Sometimes I am so dry that people don't know I'm kidding and think I'm being serious. I enjoy this because their reactions are often funny.

My first joke was about a company called Five Star Parking that was all over Philadelphia: 'Who's reviewing parking lots?'

I did 'Love's Labour's Lost' in the theater and found it to be riotously funny.

I think it's always funny when you see kids do Shakespeare.

I never did stand-up. If I've been funny ever, it was with other actors.

There's nothing worse than trying to be funny and not being funny.

You never want to defend a joke. People get to choose whether or not to laugh and whether or not they think something is funny.

I had one guy say, 'I watched your show and didn't agree with what you said.' And I'm like, 'It's a joke. How could you not agree? I can understand you saying it's not funny.' But it's like my going onstage and doing a knock-knock and somebody going, 'I disagree. There's no door here.'

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

Here’s my most funniest joke, I’m broke.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."