RED BUTTONS

Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.

If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan!

I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Julius Caesar's wife, who said to Julius, We are not naming our son Sid! Never got a dinner!

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner!

Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That's funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner!

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner!

The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said Can't work today. Have American flu. Never got a dinner!

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds. Never got a dinner!

Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, I got more ribs - you got more broads? Never got a dinner!

Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant! Never got a dinner!

Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, You're a credit to your rice. Never got a dinner!

Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner!

Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show? Never got a dinner!

King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner!

Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian. Never got a dinner!

Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, Maybe we're white. Never got a dinner!

Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner!

Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner!

Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, For God sakes, don't scratch it! Never got a dinner!

Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear. Never got a dinner!