Erma Bombeck Quotes

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

All I can say is thank God my stepdaughter's favourite band in the whole wide world is The Beatles. We do have dance parties to 'Wannabe' though.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

My son, your ineptitude is so vast, your incompetence so profound, that I am certain you are inhabited by greater power than I have ever known.

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

Comedies always need to be provocative and catch your attention in a way that dramas don't have to.

The best way to make the most serious point in the world is to be as unserious as possible.

I like to think my sense of humor is sort of smart and dumb at the same time. I like to work on multiple levels - smart and dumb, funny and sad, profound and mundane, cynical and hopeful.

I'm superstitious... but not like wear the same underwear for two weeks superstitious.

Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children.

If you play comedic scenes like they're really serious, then it's so much more funny than if you're going for a laugh.

I still haven't found the humor in getting hit by a cement truck. My knees still hurt when I think about it, so no jokes about that yet.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

I once knew a chap who had a system of just hanging the baby on the clothes line to dry and he was greatly admired by his fellow citizens for having discovered a wonderful innovation on changing a diaper.

I always see the absurdity in most situations. It's my experience of how life works.

There's a fine line between comedy and the darkest place ever.

I was raised a Calvinist. You might think you know what that means, but let me explain it the way my mother preached it to my three sisters and me back when we were at home: 'I buy my girls Calvin Klein clothes, so that's all they know. Then, when they graduate from college, they have to figure out how to pay for them themselves.'

Funny is when you're serious.

I named all my children after flowers. There's Lillie and Rose and my son, Artificial.

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Around my house, I won't even speak to my family unless they first address me by my official Berzerker name, Godred Crovan, Victor of Sky-Hill and Ruler of Man and the Isles. And now that I think of it, that's probably why nobody speaks to me unless it's time to feed the dogs or take out the garbage.

There is an old story about the mother who had two sons. One went to sea, and the other became vice-president, and neither was ever heard of again.

There's so much humor in serious things sometimes.

Comedy is only funny when there's real pain.