Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Restaurants serve supersize portions to make you feel you're getting your money's worth.

Ordering should be the most enjoyable experience, but at McDonald's, it can be one of the most stressful points in time.

When a customer is really not happy, it's a very unpleasant experience.

If I ran a national burger franchise - which I don't - I'd make it a rule that no two customers can be greeted with precisely the same words and that every third customer must be grossly insulted as a matter of course. Just to keep the atmosphere nice and lively. And to keep the staff laughing.

Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

Sir, this lane is for ten items or less. I’m counting thirteen items in your cart, including that hemorrhoid cream. And while hemorrhoids might give you a reason to be nasty, they don’t give you a reason to be in this lane.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

If I ever complain to an agent about anything, he always has a pained look on his face, like, "How can you be so ungrateful? Why, Mick, I just named my yacht after you!"

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I'm a little fatigued of adults saying we've got to worry about the kids. And these are the same adults that don't know science and are running things and wielding resources and legislation.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.

You're not gonna give somebody more money if they don't ask for it.

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.

I felt, as a lawyer, when I was mentoring and working with kids, that I gained a level of groundedness that I just couldn't get sitting on the forty-seventh floor of a fancy firm. Selfishly, it gives me joy - it makes me feel like my life has a purpose.

Words are humanity's greatest natural resource, but most of us have trouble figuring out how to put them together. Words aren't cheap. They are very precious. They are like water, which gives life and growth and refreshment, but because it has always been abundant, we treat it cheaply. We waste it; we pollute it, and doctor it. Later we blame the quality of the water because we have misused it.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I have donated money to the kids overseas, the open hand project and the homeless.

Edward lives as if there is no tomorrow, Richard as if he wants no tomorrow, and George as though someone should give it to him for free.

I have tipped waiters, and I have been tipped by waiters.