KARL PILKINGTON

Comedy's really subjective, you know.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling. But in reality, you're stuck on a boat that's bobbing up and down, you feel sick, the whale isn't there on demand.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

Chinese people age overnight.

When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.

I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.

We should all love animals.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?

With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?

I've got loads of nieces and nephews.

I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.