PHYLLIS DILLER

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.