Trenton Lee Stewart Quotes

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

He's not too short. He's just... concentrated.

People often ask me what happened to my first husband? And I say, I killed him.

Someone sent me a picture of my name that was tattooed on their a***! The first thing I said was, the least you could have done was spell it properly!

Glad to eat ya', I mean meet ya'" - Digger

I became the first ever Euro-continental champion in WWF history. Well, besides D-Lo Brown, but he doesn't count.

I know family comes first, but shouldn't that mean after breakfast?

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Feel free to call me by my first name: Master.

I will be sof brief, I have already finished.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

Mark: When did you learn to drive? Courtney: About three seconds ago.

“There is no drama so great as that of a teenage girl,” ... “Except yours.”

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

You are absolute angels of the first order. If I were Pope, I’d canonize you.” “The Pope would probably love to turn a cannon on you!

A motto I've adopted is, if at first you don't succeed, hide all evidence that you ever tried.

Well chaps first I'd like to say a few vile things more or less at random, not only because it is expected of me but also because I enjoy it.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

What are you?" I asked. "I'm the Ghost of the Night Before Exams." "And how long did it take you to come up with that?" Jazza asked. "I'm a busy man," he replied.

People would always say to me, "Why are you wearing such large frames?" And I would say, "The bigger to see you."

Truth, when witty, is the wittiest of all things.

Summer, as my friend Coleridge waggishly writes, has set in with its usual severity.

I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left. ALGERNON: We have. JACK: I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about? ALGERNON: The fools? Oh! about the clever people of course. JACK: What fools.

I think my general disposition on life is finding what's funny about it. When something happens, the first thing in my mind is, "What's funny about it?"

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.