Chelsea Handler Quotes

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'

There's a rumor going around that I'm Miss Goody-two-shoes from Australia. Well, that's a laugh. I'm really Miss Goody-two-shoes from England!

I've only been to these foreign countries: Canada, L.A. and Miami.

I think sometimes people think cheerful is a synonym for dumb, so no one is ever cheerful.

Let's say for instance people say, "He's a really totalitarian, strict guy, he's hard to work with or whatever." I don't think it's true, but people's perception of me leads that direction, like I'm a fundamentalist person. I end up having to spend extra time saying, "I'm not a fundamentalist." I have other stuff to do.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I come from the south, so you're useless and you're a bit pathetic. That's the first thing that the northerners think of you.

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

Some people think because I wear makeup that I am gay. But one thing has nothing to do with the other.

Christian! His parents had nine months to to think of a name, and the best they came up with was Christian!? My parents had nine months and they didn't call me Jew!

I think my general disposition on life is finding what's funny about it. When something happens, the first thing in my mind is, "What's funny about it?"

Wouldn't have pegged you for a dancer," he spoke to my mind "Funny, I would have pegged you for a stalker," I shot back.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!

I had a prejudice against the British until I discovered that fifty percent of them were female.

I look very different from how people expect me to be... Clearly they think I'm a great big fat viking.

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

Because I'm from North Carolina, you think I'm the Andy Griffith show, or something?

People expect black women to be angry, irrationally so, without reason. They think we are animals and we go around like the Wild Things.

A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.

Most men think they are good drivers. Most women think they are good in bed. They aren't.

It doesn't bother me when someone calls me a 'dumb blonde.' I'm neither dumb or blonde.

I think gay people are like blondes: There're fewer of them but they have more fun.

Some people think that poor people are lazy. Actually, it takes a lot of work to survive when you are dirt-poor.