Demetri Martin Quotes

Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That's funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner!

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Archie Bunker used to call me 'the laziest white kid he'd ever met.'

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.

Going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white!

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.

I try to attack all races and creeds, except the Irish. Clearly they are closest to the angels and don't deserve abuse. But the others have it coming.

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

I'm Italian. I wouldn't know how to play a Jew.

Whether it's an innate ability or an acquired way of regarding the world around us, being labeled as funny can only be accepted as a compliment.

You know, you have a lot of people - I've met a lot of people in the past, I've gone to private schools, you know, encountered different people who think that it's OK to make comments, insensitive comments about your race because they're joking. And think that if they're joking and they say it, you know, good-naturedly, that things will fly.

Australia has a thing where apparently it's fine for me to dress up as an Asian woman. No one has questioned that.

If I don't offend somebody, then I'm probably not funny.

Someone asked me years ago if it were true that I disliked Jews, and I replied that it was certainly true, not at all because they are Jews but because they are folks, and I don't like folks.

I may be a dumb blonde, but I'm not that blonde.

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

If you stay here much longer, you'll all get slitty-eyed

The English are an embarrassing and an ugly race—a lumpen and louty, coarse, unsubtle, beady-eyed, beefy-bummed herd.

I don’t watch TV because every time I do all I ever see is that fucking nigger.

Maybe Mexicans are lazy except when they’re taking everyone’s jobs.

Generalizing a type of people is really primitive.

Racism is about education. Racism is ignorance.

Stereotyping of any race or culture is narrow-minded, and I can't wait to help break the shackles.

The people I make fun of most are white people. They're the dumbest ones. They really are.