DENNIS MILLER

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

I rant, therefore I am.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

I lapsed into rude.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.