JEFF FOXWORTHY

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.

I know God is real.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I never thought I would do a game show, but now I guess I'm now officially in that genre.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

When I first started out, being from the South and going to New York or Chicago, people kept telling me to get voice lessons and 'lose that stupid accent you got.' And I'm like, 'Well, where I come from, you have the stupid accent.'

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.