Witty Remark Quotes

Offer is actually my first name. My Dad is Israeli, so that isn't totally made up.

I often thought my gravestone would say, 'Here lies Gandalf. He came out,'

A million thoughts went through my mind. What little mind I have.

The joke is the purest, most essential form of storytelling. Every word has to count.

Whoa!" he says with a smile. The wrinkles at the corners of his eyes deepen. "Chicken salad a la George Orwell!

Sarcasm is a Manchester trait.

The Chameleon's face reminded Aristotle of a Baboon. Aristotle wasn't much of a looker himself.

thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.

I’m not short. I’m…vertically disadvantaged.

I've never had a message for anyone in my entire life. Except maybe to give out my room number.

What are you?" I asked. "I'm the Ghost of the Night Before Exams." "And how long did it take you to come up with that?" Jazza asked. "I'm a busy man," he replied.

One year at the SAG Awards, somebody practically knocked me over, and it was Helen Mirren. She was like, 'Oh my God - is it really you? I'm your biggest fan.' I was like, 'Wait, aren't you supposed to be home reading Shakespeare or something?'

I don't necessarily consider myself a virgin, probably because I have such a penetrating personality

I met Mel [Brooks] backstage in Anne's [Bancroft] dressing room. He was wearing one of those pea coats, pea jackets that were made famous by the Merchant Marines, and I admired it and he said, "You know, they used to call this a urine jacket, but it didn't sell."

Glad to eat ya', I mean meet ya'" - Digger

If there's something funny to be said, I will say it.

Truth, when witty, is the wittiest of all things.

Letitia! What a name. Halfway between a salad and a sneeze.

Not an insult sweetie. That was a thirteen word kiss.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.'

Mark: When did you learn to drive? Courtney: About three seconds ago.

Somebody once asked me how I found Peter Jackson, and I said: 'Well, I parted his hair, and there he was.'

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I've never been compared to Bugs Bunny and that's amazing, thank you.