BOB MONKHOUSE

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.