BENNY HILL

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be.

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Do unto others, then run.

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

That's what show business is, sincere insincerity.

I sometimes use a girl singer the way Henny Youngman uses his violin - as a bridge between one laugh and the next.

A man who fails is funny... if my sketches teach anything, it is that, for the male, sex is a snare and a delusion. What's so corrupting about that?

I'm single. I don't have a family. I certainly don't have to work. I don't want to be the richest man in the cemetery.

If you can mix glamor and gags, then you can catch the audience twice over.

I don't do something I won't enjoy just for the money. I do it for the fun, for the joy of working.

I used to watch all these great fat women in the audience laughing at the comic, and I would think how wonderful it would be to be that man. He was surrounded by pretty girls, he obviously got more money than anyone else, and everyone loved him.

I have a mental age of about 17. Far too young for marriage.

The mistake British comedians often make is trying to beat the Americans at their own game - getting visiting American singers on their shows, talking about 'sidewalk' instead of 'pavement,' sitting on high stools in a white dinner jacket doing ballads. That way, you simply end up with a mid-Atlantic mishmash.

I changed it to Leslie Hill, only that seemed more like a cocktail pianist. Eventually, being an admirer of Jack Benny, I took his name.

What we've discovered is that Americans seem to love our saucy humor.

I don't covet images or belongings. My television set and video are rented, any paintings aren't worth a fortune, and money is of little interest.

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

Live everyday as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason... now I have a reason.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

I never yell, I never tell, but I'm grateful as hell.