Steven Wright Quotes

I'm a wild lady. Not.

I wasn't shy, but I was really hyper. Nobody got my sense of humor. I was a black skater kid.

I may be a maverick, but it doesn't mean I like playing tricks.

Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I'm ... free-spirited. Maybe a little too free-spirited.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

I wanted to be funny for people who didn't care about fashion at all, to just to kind of exist as a silly character.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

No matter what I tend to be doing, generally people always think I'm crazy, first of all, because I'm always talking about things in the future that haven't happened yet, and people have a hard time believing what's gonna happen. Secondly, I'm almost always a contrarian, whatever direction everybody else is going in, I'm probably figuring out a way to go in a completely opposite direction.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

I kind of thought, wouldn't it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

Mad; adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations.

We may all be a peculiar lot...often broke, often dissatisfied because we're not doing more and better work...but we know how to have a ball that makes the rest of the world seem square.

I'm sure other people have a very strange view of my lifestyle.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"