I was voted best-looking kid in high school but, as you can see, things changed. I used to say I was a 260 pound Woody Allen. You can make that 295 pound now.
I cannot stand all the people who take themselves very seriously, who cannot just laugh at themselves.
I wanted to be clever, but being funny came first. That's how you know someone is clever. They don't come out and tell you pi to 13 places - they tell you a joke.
I wasn't a social drinker. I used to say that I didn't want to go to bars because they were full of assholes like me.
The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month.
I'm not known for my intellectual range and tricks have been played on me.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
I'm such a geek.
I'm actually a perpetual 13-year-old. I've never advanced beyond 13. Every day, tomorrow is my 14th birthday. That's my kind of humor.
I keep on repeating something told to me by an American psychologist: "When you are making a joke about someone and you are the only one to laugh, it is not a joke. It is a joke only for yourself." If people are making a joke they have the right to laugh at me but I will ignore them. Ignoring doesn't mean that you don't understand. You understand it so much that you don't want to react.
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
If you done it, it ain't bragging.
When I first started acting, I was just crap.
My music is not worth $2.5bn. And also, I'm not rich.
I never said I was a genius.
People are idiots. Including me. Everyone is an idiot, not just the people with the low SAT scores. The only difference is that we're idiots about different things at different times. No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.
How long does it take to make 'They Think It's All Over?' It's just laughing at each other and thinking, 'Aren't we clever?'
I constantly peed in my pants up until the 8th grade and wore an extra-large sailor uniform from kindergarten to 8th grade because my mom was scared I'd grow out of it. So I learned to make fun of myself at school and summer camp.
To one's enemies: "I hate myself more than you ever could.
I'm just another stupid human.
Anyone who knows anything about me should know by now I am certainly not exactly a good politician. I am also willing to admit to you now that I never went to any classes that had anything to do political science.
I am not the archetypal leading man. This is mainly for one reason: as you may have noticed, I have no hair.
My country has in its wisdom contrived for me the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived.
the Vice Presidency, under George Washington
'Bloody do-gooders' is my expression for people who are nicer than me, who are better than me.
I bought a book of Mark Twain quotes. That's about my speed. I'll read a couple quotes and put it down.
