VICTOR BORGE

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

The shortest distance between two people is a smile.

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

There are three Bachs. Johann, Sebastian and Offen.

It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.

The elephant smoked too much.(explaining why the keys of his piano were so yellow)

What is the difference between a Nazi and a dog?The Nazi lifts his arm.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.

Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.

That's why I've never thought of retiring because I do it all the time whether on the stage or off. I found that in a precarious situation, a smile is the shortest distance between people. When one needs to reach out for sympathy or a link with people, what better way is there?

You may not be aware of this but Leonard Bernstein won another award, for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky... to Igor Stravinsky!

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.