Frank Carson Quotes

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

If a song is funny and absurd, and it sounds great, it's just going to be that much funnier. And there's no better example of that than 'Monty Python.'

Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it's natural.

I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny.

But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't.

I feel like any time John Oliver is added to something, the comedy is instantly there. He's so funny.

I always thought that farts were funny, and I always thought that they were mine to talk about because they came out of my body.

Anytime there's originality and comedy combined, it's very potent for people who love comedy.

In the early days, Jerry was an antagonist, which was arguably his best casting. 'The King's' quick wit is perfectly suited to be an antagonist, but at the same time, he's so funny that it is hard to hate Jerry Lawler as the villain - especially at this stage of his long career.

That is the job of a comedian: To take unpleasant subject matter and forcibly, with his hands, wring the funny out of it.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano. I went with my wife and another guy to a Mexican restaurant, which we thought would be the ultimate test for an antiflatulance product. There's a reason most of Mexico is located out of doors. And it worked. Several newspapers refused to run that column. But they did run advertisements for Beano.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

A joke is a very serious thing.

I do find that humor helps in relationships. It certainly helps in my marriage now because I'm a very, very fallible person. And if I wasn't funny I'd be kicked right out the door.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.