Mitch Hedberg Quotes

If God hadn't meant for us to eat sugar, he wouldn't have invented dentists.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

When you have a cavity in your tooth and you let it get worse, eventually you have to get a root canal. If you have something that isn't right, the earlier you treat it the easier the treatment is going to be. That's kind of common sense.

I have a couple of gold teeth. I had braces for a year but I didn't wear the retainer.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Never floss with a stranger.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

I was a terrible Sugar Babies addict, so I had more cavities than the surface of the moon.

I'm English. Our dentistry is not world famous.

I've never in my life had a cavity. Not one!

I sometimes mistake my typewriter for my teeth, because the more I bite the more my column will be read.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

I've had dentists who have wanted to help me out, but I say, 'You know, I won't work again if you fix my teeth.'

Like going to the dentist, where you write: "Dental appointment today. All of the dentists in Boulder are 'holistic.' They can't fill a cavity but they're good for your soul. Your teeth rot, but apparently your spirit prospers."

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

It's tough getting older. You start falling apart, you know? My gums are starting to recede now. You can't tell tonight, though, 'cause I comb them forward.

Incidentally, I only have one cavity, and as much as my dentist asks me to, I just can't bring myself to floss.

No wonder he has such nice teeth. They probably pay him in dental floss.

I live at the dentist's. I'm on my third set of teeth that they put in with nails and screws.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Trips to the dentist - I like to postpone that kind of thing.

I was never afraid of anything in the world except the dentist.