JON STEWART

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.