Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Never floss with a stranger.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I have this Waterpik that shoots water between your teeth. It's great. You do that along with flossing, and you know for a fact you've cleaned your mouth as much as humanly possible. It's like going to the dentist every night in your bathroom. I don't know if it's a floss replacement, but in conjunction with flossing, it's great.

I sometimes mistake my typewriter for my teeth, because the more I bite the more my column will be read.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I don't mess around when it comes to brushing my teeth. Properly brushed, twice a day, every day, to get my day started.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

As a rule of thumb, I would submit that if you need to call your floss provider, for any reason, you are probably not ready for this level of oral hygiene.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

I've had dentists who have wanted to help me out, but I say, 'You know, I won't work again if you fix my teeth.'

I was certified to take x-rays, but you can't just show up and start cleaning people's teeth.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

When you have a cavity in your tooth and you let it get worse, eventually you have to get a root canal. If you have something that isn't right, the earlier you treat it the easier the treatment is going to be. That's kind of common sense.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Dentistry is more impressive in town-what the rural man calls cleaning the teeth is called "prophylaxis" in New York.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

Like going to the dentist, where you write: "Dental appointment today. All of the dentists in Boulder are 'holistic.' They can't fill a cavity but they're good for your soul. Your teeth rot, but apparently your spirit prospers."

Ben rubbed his muzzle over Kyle’s shoulder in a way that I think was supposed to be reassuring. Kyle sucked in a breath. Either it hurt, or the reminder that the werewolf was big enough to rub his shoulder without much effort wasn’t exactly reassuring. “Ben, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?” asked Kyle. Or else Ben’s breath was really bad.

In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : Dentistry.