Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I was a terrible Sugar Babies addict, so I had more cavities than the surface of the moon.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

I'm okay with having horrible lower teeth.

Good dental care doesn't make you a good student, but if your tooth hurts, it's hard to be a good student.

I made some friends at Listerine and they taught me a little bit about oral care. That half of adults suffer from oral disease, that the number one chronic disease among children is oral disease, that we're only taking care of 25% of our mouths when brushing alone and there are more germs in your mouth than there are people on the planet.

If God hadn't meant for us to eat sugar, he wouldn't have invented dentists.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

If you took your child to the dentist and check for cavities, the child likely won't get them. If you take them just for emergency, that's all they're gonna get.

I live at the dentist's. I'm on my third set of teeth that they put in with nails and screws.

Never floss with a stranger.

My siblings and I have got the worst teeth in Britain.

Everyone knows what toothache's like: it's one of those dull pains that just won't go away.

I've eaten part of my tooth. I had a weird cavity that broke apart in my teeth - this is a bad story. I was eating and thought, 'It's like I'm swallowing rocks,' and then I checked and part of my tooth is missing. I ate it.

Growing up, I ate a lot of candy. If you were my dentist, you would know that, you know, but I eat a lot of candy, so from eight to probably, like, 15, you wouldn't see me without a pack of Skittles.

Because I've got veneers, I am always checking to make sure I haven't got food in my teeth.

A dentist at work in his vocation always looks down in the mouth.

As a rule of thumb, I would submit that if you need to call your floss provider, for any reason, you are probably not ready for this level of oral hygiene.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I've had dentists who have wanted to help me out, but I say, 'You know, I won't work again if you fix my teeth.'

Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

It's tough getting older. You start falling apart, you know? My gums are starting to recede now. You can't tell tonight, though, 'cause I comb them forward.

When you have a cavity in your tooth and you let it get worse, eventually you have to get a root canal. If you have something that isn't right, the earlier you treat it the easier the treatment is going to be. That's kind of common sense.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.