Jim Gaffigan Quotes

There's some people that are 24 hours with the baby and it doesn't make a difference. They could be anywhere.

There's a Drunk Midget in My House Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world's worst roommate.

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment.

Every time I think I have something under control, it changes and I don't have it under control. I think it takes several years to get there. Jade is 19 months old, so right now I'm on alert all the time. And as a mom I think you're constantly worrying about things.

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

I hate babies. They're so human.

Suddenly we have a baby who poops and cries, and we are trying to calm, clean up, and pin things together all at once. Then as fast as we learn to cope--so soon--it is hard to recall why diapers ever seemed so important. The frontiers change, and now perhaps we have a teenager we can't reach.

There are moments when you love babies, and you're like, "God, they are the reason why we exist." Then they start crying, and you're like "God! Jesus!"

I have a twenty-month-old baby, a sixteen-year-old boy - same maturity level.

Parenting is the greatest of hum-a-few-bars-and-I'll-fake-it skills.

(About parenting:) ... all that tedium, broken up by little spurts of high drama.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing. Kids get heavy. Quite literally. They're heavy to lift up when they're throwing tantrums.

Was parenting ever going to get easier? Did you ever reach a point where you could stop worrying?

Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.

Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless.

Babies are like the smallest, drunkest people you know.

Watching teething babies is like watching over a thermonuclear reactor-it is best done in shifts, by well-rested people.

When people talk about wanting to have children someday, what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.

They [Mark and Jay Duplass] both have young kids and talk about parenting all the time. So they get it. So they knew that it was a very delicate time and they knew that it was a lot. All it did was make me want to protect them from - and protect production from - any kind of burden.

Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.

I love children. I'm embarrassingly baby-crazy.