Larry the Cable Guy Quotes

There's some people that are 24 hours with the baby and it doesn't make a difference. They could be anywhere.

Tired mothers find that spanking takes less time than reasoning and penetrates sooner to the seat of the memory.

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

Raising a child is like taking care of someone who's on way too many shrooms, while you yourself are on a moderate amount of shrooms. I am not confident in my decisions, but I know you should not be eating a mousepad.

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.

I've never been a believer in the physical punishment of children. I don't think it is necessary.

Those children who have been most chastised seldom make the best men.

I'll never get sick of raising my children, but other people might get sick of them.

When my baby was born I had to know how to save her in case she fell in the pool or something like that. I went to one of these nursing places to learn how to take care of the child.

If you wanted to teach a baby a lesson, would you cut its head off?

Raising children is like making biscuits: it is as easy to raise a big batch as one, while you have your hands in the dough.

There's a Drunk Midget in My House Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!

I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

[P]ain is a marvelous purifier. . . It is not necessary to beat the child into submission; a little bit of pain goes a long way for a young child. However, the spanking should be of sufficient magnitude to cause the child to cry genuinely.

As complicated as joint custody is, it allows the delicious contradiction of having children and maintaining the intimacy of life-before-kid s.

Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the head with a big rubber basketball shoe.

Some things I never learned to like. I didn't like to kiss babies, though I didn't mind kissing their mothers.

Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world's worst roommate.

Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world's worst roommate, like having Janis Joplin with a bad hangover and PMS come to stay with you.

Spanking doesn't lead to anything in the child, other than anger, a sense of frustration and humiliation. And parents can do better. I'm not saying it should be against the law but parents can do better.

I have two kids, and I don't have to spank my kids.

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.