Dave Barry Quotes

I came to parenting the way most of us do - knowing nothing and trying to learn everything.

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

No, I've never wanted kids. But I do read about parenting a lot.

There's some people that are 24 hours with the baby and it doesn't make a difference. They could be anywhere.

A pregnant woman and her spouse dream of three babies--the perfect four-month-old who rewards them with smiles and musical cooing,the impaired baby, who changes each day, and the mysterious real baby whose presence is beginning to be evident in the motions of the fetus.

Babies are always more trouble than you thought and more wonderful.

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

Raising a child is like taking care of someone who's on way too many shrooms, while you yourself are on a moderate amount of shrooms. I am not confident in my decisions, but I know you should not be eating a mousepad.

Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.

I love children. I'm embarrassingly baby-crazy.

Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment.

Granny bit her lip. She was never quite certain about children, thinking of them-when she thought about them at all-as coming somewhere between animals and people. She understood babies. You put milk in one end and kept the other as clean as possible. Adults were even easier, because they did the feeding and cleaning themselves. But in between was a world of experience that she had never really inquired about. As far as she was aware, you just tried to stop them catching anything fatal and hoped that it would all turn out all right.

I like kids but I also like the option to close the door. Becoming a parent is a whole other life, and it doesn't stop.

I have 'Parents' magazine in my home.

Does any new parent, even if you're not a first-time parent, ever really know what to do?

We go into parenting, and we discover that we don't have the answers. We are at a loss.

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

The moment your kid's born you realize no one knows anything. No one goes to classes. You just have a kid. You can read all the books you like, but unfortunately none of our kids have read the books so they don't care. You're basically making it up as you go along.

Parenting is more than a numbers game: it's a question of whether people are equipped for the toughest job they will ever be asked to do.

Of children as of procreation -- the pleasure momentary, the posture ridiculous, the expense damnable

There are moments when you love babies, and you're like, "God, they are the reason why we exist." Then they start crying, and you're like "God! Jesus!"

Raising children is like making biscuits: it is as easy to raise a big batch as one, while you have your hands in the dough.