Lilith Saintcrow Quotes

I introduce her as the love of my life everywhere that we go. She introduces me as her current husband. So you can see how the relationship kinda works here.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I'd love to have First Lady Michelle Obama over and ask, 'How do you make your marriage work?' I think the president is sexy as all get-out, but he has got to get on her nerves some kind of way. He's this wonderful, powerful man, but she sees him leaving his socks on the floor.

The only time a wife listens to her husband is when he's asleep.

It's axiomatic that all husbands are impossible. But I also think it's axiomatic that women are slightly impossible.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Every three months, I'll say, 'Honey, I think I should learn how to cook'.

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"

The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

It is as hard to get a man to stay at home after you've married him as it was to get him to go home before you married him.

A couple's first task, it has always seemed to me, is to solve the problem of breakfast; if this can be worked out amicably, most other difficulties can too.

I have always believed that the key to a happy marriage was the ability to say with a straight face, 'Why, I don't know what you're worrying about. I thought you were very funny last night and I'm sure everybody else did, too.

I’m not complaining about Romance Being Dead - I’ve just described a happy marriage as based on talking about plants and a canceled Ray Romano show and drinking milkshakes: not exactly rose petals and gazing into each other’s eyes at the top of the Empire State Building or whatever. I’m pretty sure my parents have gazed into each other’s eyes maybe once, and that was so my mom could put eyedrops in my dad’s eyes.

(When asked who wore the pants in his house:) I do, and I also wash and iron them.

We were still at the age when girls are years older than guy, and the guys grow up by doing their best when the girls need them to.

Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore'

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.