Marital Humor Quotes

The only time a wife listens to her husband is when he's asleep.

Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

My husband went through a phase of giving me vacuum cleaners, sewing machines and Mixmasters. It's ironic. He is encouraging me to develop a hobby, I think.

To my everlasting relief, he’d also stopped with the starch a few years back . The military made him big on spray starch, but I point-blank refused to touch the stuff after a while. He finally gave up doing it himself, and I manfully restrained myself from pointing out that the world didn’t explode when he did. And they say maturity is just for adults.

I have three women in the house. I get to be wrong three times a day.

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

My dad always said that 90 percent of marital problems could be solved by getting your blood sugar up, and he's right! So I would say pick a partner who's forgiving when you have low blood sugar and threaten to drive your car through your shared home.

The groom always smiles proudly because he's convinced he's accomplished something quite wonderful. The bride smiles because she's been able to convince him of it.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

The fact that I'm virtually deaf. Any woman who's going to date a rock musician has to be prepared to repeat herself every 10 seconds. My wife asks me where we should go for dinner and it sounds like the schoolteacher from Charlie Brown.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

I'm married to an Italian woman, and I used to love cooking Italian at home, because it's one-pot cooking. But my wife does not approve of my Italian cooking.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.