Jim Gaffigan Quotes

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

The fact that I'm virtually deaf. Any woman who's going to date a rock musician has to be prepared to repeat herself every 10 seconds. My wife asks me where we should go for dinner and it sounds like the schoolteacher from Charlie Brown.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.

Actually the best thing I did was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.

Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him. Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!