Natasha Leggero Quotes

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I think marriage and athletes is a bad combination.

There's nothing worse when you have a job, and you read something, and you're like, 'God. How am I possibly going to make this work?'

My wife got all freaked out when we started doing the reality show because she said she saw all these reality shows, and everyone was getting divorced.

I've spent many a long flight talking to flight attendants, trying to understand what kind of employment experience underlies such a consistent lack of concern for customers.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

Women leave their marriages when they can't take any more. Men leave when they find someone new.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I was married to the number one douchebag of all time.

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

I don't like being in the service industry and having to deal with people yelling at me all the time. McDonald's was the hardest job I ever had - so I have a lot of respect for people who work in the fast food industry. Because it's a hard job.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.