DOUG STANHOPE

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.