Caroline Rhea Quotes

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

The only time a wife listens to her husband is when he's asleep.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

I'll be on my third honeymoon, so I'm more of an authority than I care to be.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

It's axiomatic that all husbands are impossible. But I also think it's axiomatic that women are slightly impossible.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I introduce her as the love of my life everywhere that we go. She introduces me as her current husband. So you can see how the relationship kinda works here.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I don't really know. I think the first test is when you're very little and you fart, and you laugh at it and so do your friends and family. I knew before I was funny I was very annoying so I have that covered. I think it was because I was not very good in school I used humor as a defense mechanism. When I started doing plays and stuff at school I decided that I was going to keep doing it until someone tells me to stop and get a real job.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?