Relationship Humor Quotes

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

It's so tiring to make love to women, it takes forever. I'm too lazy to be a lesbian.

I introduce her as the love of my life everywhere that we go. She introduces me as her current husband. So you can see how the relationship kinda works here.

A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

The only time a wife listens to her husband is when he's asleep.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore'

I've been married to the same woman for forty years, and whenever people ask us how we managed to stay married for so long, we usually say as one voice, 'What's the secret? Don't get divorced!'

There's nothing more romantic after not seeing your husband for four months than to have our first night back together, on a Broadway stage, with 12 million people watching.

Literally, my honeymoon was driving to Chicago.

My husband loves the '90s; he's an avid '90s movie watcher, and it drives me insane. Nothing real came out of the '90s! The bad bathing suits that came up too high on women's hips came out in the '90s!

A lasting marriage, they say, is one where the two reach for different sections of the Sunday paper. Me, I go right for the obituaries, just like those very elderly characters in Muriel Spark's spooky novel, 'Memento Mori.'

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

In my home, who is my boss? If you ask my wife she'll say certainly not her. She claims that she can't make me do anything and so she's not my boss. I am. I'm pretty sure, maybe.

I have three women in the house. I get to be wrong three times a day.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

To my everlasting relief, he’d also stopped with the starch a few years back . The military made him big on spray starch, but I point-blank refused to touch the stuff after a while. He finally gave up doing it himself, and I manfully restrained myself from pointing out that the world didn’t explode when he did. And they say maturity is just for adults.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I do talk about celebrity relationships like Kim Kardashian's. I like to find the humor in love.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.