Martha Gellhorn Quotes

I'm funny at home too, but not deliberately. My wife is usually laughing at me rather than with me.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Fluency in English is something that I'm often not accused of.

The s - t I put on Instagram, in a lot of ways, I'm making fun of what it actually is. Some of the things I put on there are absolutely ridiculous because parts of my life are absolutely ridiculous.

Oh! This'll impress you - I'm actually in the Abnormal Psychology textbook. Obviously my family is so proud. Keep in mind though, I'm a PEZ dispenser and I'm in the abnormal Psychology textbook. Who says you can't have it all?

Now when I have to remember a date, all I have to do is consult my rap sheet.

You're a terrible cook, Daniel." "I know," he replied, "But it's the effort that counts." "I hope that's not the slogan for your dental practice.

I love pity parties. I wish I'd brought hats.

Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad.

I ran like a cheetah - well, like a cheetah that smoked too much.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

I'm in shape, but only if you consider a circle a shape.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.

I think I have a good sense of humor, but I'm not, like, a joke-teller. I get the jokes, which is sometimes half the battle. Believe me, I have no idea why anyone hires me.

People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know, I’m never there.

I'm a regular Joe...I just have the unique ability to accessorize.

I can't imagine what possessed you to propose to me." "Well that will give you something to puzzle over any time you can't sleep.

Anybody that makes fun of me, I'm like, 'Yeah, and then I got touched by Hugh Jackman'