Domestic Humor Quotes

Journalist: 'Have you received any death threats?' Harry Redknapp: 'Only from the wife when I didn't do the washing up!'.

Hell, it is well known, has no fury like a woman who wants her tea and can't get it.

I have three women in the house. I get to be wrong three times a day.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop! Never got a dinner!

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck

Nobody ever wrote better about domestic things than Robert Benchley.

Your wife is always right. Very simple. I think I'm going to get it tattooed on my forehead.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

So, I'm lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, 'Free at last,' and she says 'You're free all right, you're free to do the dishes.' So I say, 'You're talking to the former president, baby,' and she said, 'consider this your new domestic policy agenda.'

I have always approached 'Housewives' as a comedy.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I would love to do a sitcom. I see myself as an older woman, getting married, and her stepchildren, who are in their twenties, move back home.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

I write so much because my cat sits on my lap. She purrs so I don't want to get up. She's so much more calming than my husband.

The amount of times my wife has rolled her eyes at board games is impossible to count.

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.