Humorous Quotes

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.

Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.

A joke is a very serious thing.

Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory.

Really, contrary to popular belief, I like to have a good time and not take myself too seriously.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

Never praise your cider or your horse

I think people are surprised to learn that I'm pretty goofy and pretty funny.

We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

It seems an easy choice - sacrifice the tree for a human life - until one learns that three trees must be destroyed for each patient treated. Suddenly we must confront some tough questions. How important are the medical needs of future generations?

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

Whatever it is, I'm against it.