Phyllis Diller Quotes

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice.

There are two kinds of marriages - where the husband quotes the wife and where the wife quotes the husband.

My first husband met me as a career woman, and the second did, too. I was lucky.

If I was married to a man, and I had the same life situation that I have, it's the perfect recipe for a sitcom.

Take my wife... Please!

My wife is way funnier than I am. As much as I don't really feel I share a sense of humour with my family, I definitely share one with her - we find the same things funny.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track.

I've never yet met a man who could look after me. I don't need a husband. What I need is a wife.

My whole life is classical now. Except my wife. I don't have a classical wife. I have a classy wife, but I don't have a classical wife.

I told my wife, 'One woman, lots of toys!'

Once a woman passes a certain point in intelligence she finds it almost impossible to get a husband: she simply cannot go on listening without snickering.

I know not which lives more unnatural lives, obeying husbands, or commanding wives.

A woman usually respects her father, but her view of her husband is mingled with contempt, for she is of course privy to the transparent devices by which she snared him.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

The man who enters his wife's dressing room is either a philosopher or a fool.

What's for dinner is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer.

Men like me because I dont wear a brassiere. Women like me because I dont look like a girl who would steal a husband. At least not for long.

Don't you know, that all wives are in the right? It may be you don't, for you are yet a young husband.

I am not against marriage - without marriage, ninety-nine percent jokes will disappear from the world. How I can be against marriage? I am all for it.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

There is no such thing as being good to your wife.

When a man makes a woman his wife, it's the highest compliment he can pay her, and it's usually the last.

Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads.