Denis Thatcher Quotes

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done.

My wife is way funnier than I am. As much as I don't really feel I share a sense of humour with my family, I definitely share one with her - we find the same things funny.

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

I know it's the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I'm no gentleman.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

Many women cut back what had to be done at home by redefining what the house, the marriage and, sometimes, what the child needs. One woman described a fairly common pattern: I do my half. I do half of his half, and the rest doesn't get done.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.

I met the man of my dreams at a gym, and then we got married in Vegas - because we're classy. When you meet at a gym, where else do you get married?

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

I love my wife to death. I mean my ex-wife.

I've been used by women all my life, fortunately.

I wouldn't want to be married to me, but luckily Tom Cruise does.

Humor's a weapon if you want to make it one.

My wife disagrees with 100 percent of what I say. That's the same marriage I have.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I could be a housewife... I guess I've vacuumed a couple of times.