Jon Stewart Quotes

The first draught serveth for health, the second for pleasure, the third for shame, and the fourth for madness.

Drink not the third glass, which thou canst not tame, when once it is within thee.

Not drunk is he who from the floor - Can rise alone and still drink more; But drunk is They, who prostrate lies, Without the power to drink or rise.

And we used to do a lot of drugs and get very drunk on very cheap wine.

I doubt if you can have a truly wild party without liquor.

Come, for my part I will have only those glorious, manly pleasures of being very drunk, and very slovenly.

At the third cup, wine drinks the man.

I drank too much, only champagne.

Sometimes I had too many beers.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

I wanna get drunk 'til I'm off my mind. One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer.

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.

I drink for the honorable purpose of getting bagged.

A day of minor profit or prophet led to a night of drunkenness.

I lay my head on the wheel and the horn begins honking, the whole neighborhood knows that I'm home drunk again.

We came down here to see this teddible scene: people all pissed out of their minds and vomiting on themselves and all that and now, you know what? It's us

Alcohol whipped me. Alcohol and I had many, many marvelous times together. We laughed, we talked, we danced at the party together; then one day I woke up and the band had gone home and I was lying in the broken glass with a shirt full of puke and I said, 'Hey, man, the ball game's up'.

Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.

I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor.

Tequila. Straight. There's a real polite drink. You keep drinking until you finally take one more and it just won't go down. Then you know you've reached your limit.

You can't drink too many otherwise you can't see what you're throwing at.

A good margarita, a good red wine, I like expensive alcohol, but not a lot of it. I don't like to throw up.

Of course I get drunk, my brain is only the size of a walnut.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.